Recovery Mission 875-496
- Thread starter flykiller
- Start date
Read it a while back and thought it was good -- wasn't reading to do a critical analysis, so that's all the feedback I've got for you at the moment. Might give it a more thorough look one of these days.
Thanks for putting it out there!
Thanks for putting it out there!
MichaelSTee
SOC-12
I started reading the story as you were posting it, and enjoyed it for the most part. I was puzzled as to why Adam left the ship at the end, but now that I have re-read the opening posts, I see why. (My confusion was probably due to reading the story over the course of a week, so I forgot some of the earlier details.)
I do admit I was a bit miffed that the mystery of the intelligent animals was not solved by the end of the story. To me, science-fiction stories dealing with exploration typically have a mystery about them - what is going on, and why? You gave us the 'what', but not the 'why'. I feel the story is unfinished because of this - I want to know 'why' the animals were acting strange!
That aside, I did enjoy the details you put into the story - details that would not have worked in a published magazine story, but which were fun for a Traveller story for Traveller fans. I thought the characterizations were good for the most part (though I did have issue with the Chief getting drunk too early in the story; just didn't work for me).
Just my two cents. But mostly, Keep writing!
I do admit I was a bit miffed that the mystery of the intelligent animals was not solved by the end of the story. To me, science-fiction stories dealing with exploration typically have a mystery about them - what is going on, and why? You gave us the 'what', but not the 'why'. I feel the story is unfinished because of this - I want to know 'why' the animals were acting strange!
That aside, I did enjoy the details you put into the story - details that would not have worked in a published magazine story, but which were fun for a Traveller story for Traveller fans. I thought the characterizations were good for the most part (though I did have issue with the Chief getting drunk too early in the story; just didn't work for me).
Just my two cents. But mostly, Keep writing!
I tried to tell the story from the characters' perspectives - what they would see and experience. "why"s are seldom obvious at first, and I thought the unresolved mysteries would be natural to the storyline. also in my mind "why"s mostly should be hinted at or left to the reader.
well, I have several ideas, but only one of them presents as an actual story. the one with a story is about a merc unit and I'm not sure I have the expertise to write it without being dismissed by the actual and wannabe military experts on the board. as for the story-less ideas I've been waiting for a story for any one of them to percolate up, but it just isn't happening, and I don't want to write just to write.
Just started reading the first few entries on the first page about 15 min ago. Excellent so far. Really looking forward to reading the rest.
Kakistocrat
SOC-12
Your recent thread bump led me to read your story — I wasn’t previously aware of its existence.
In general, I enjoyed it; I disagree with Tiikeri’s conclusion that its pace was excruciatingly slow.
On the minor side, there were scattered instances of misspellings, but I didn’t keep track of them. Is “Harinkake” three syllables, or four? This post had one instance of referring to Adam as Robert.
The one notable thing that stood out to me was Adam “getting away from it all” after the rescue of the two scouts from the Purdue, giving minimal information to his team as to where he would be and how long he would be gone; it seems rather irresponsible for someone leading a mission, particularly given the “professionalism” chat that he’d had with Chief Laseiag during the week in jumpspace.
Kakistocrat
SOC-12
I could well be slow on the uptake, but I didn’t interpret “I’m taking Gretel out, have a look around” as meaning “I’m leaving the team and the Scout service entirely”. (Would his professionalism allow him to leave the Scouts without completing the mission, which I’d think would conclude with a post-mission debriefing by Harinkake? And how many syllables are in “Harinkake”, anyway?
)I did, it was clear he wasn’t the most stable element on the ship and those questions back at the base had origins in trauma.I could well be slow on the uptake, but I didn’t interpret “I’m taking Gretel out, have a look around” as meaning “I’m leaving the team and the Scout service entirely”. (Would his professionalism allow him to leave the Scouts without completing the mission, which I’d think would conclude with a post-mission debriefing by Harinkake? And how many syllables are in “Harinkake”, anyway?
Kakistocrat
SOC-12
It’s confirmed, then — I’m slow on the uptake!
Yes, both of these points were clear, but given the fauna that the team had seen in their short time on the planet, I was still surprised that the rest of the team seemed to have had no qualms about Adam heading out by himself to “have a look around”.
Commander Truestar
SOC-13
So, after the weekend music festival, personal Traveller game and web site AAR/Update, etc...
I have read your work.
Ignoring all the Traveller universe stuff and focusing on the writing itself.
I find it "Choppy"
I was often uncertain who was saying something or what a comment referenced?
Not as often, but where the above happened, and where there was a subtext meaning, that was lost until the passage was re-read several times.
For example:
"Field Scout Adam Warren." (At first, this suggested someone was introducing themselves)
His eyes jerked open, he had been about to fall asleep. (This modifier made it obvious he was dozing and the statement was from another)
Relaxed, must be a good sign. (Did he think this or speak it? Or, did the observer waking him think this? Either is valid )
(Later reading reinforced the expectation that Warren thought this, as it matches the internal monologue continued through the work)
He rose, unconsciously straightening his formal field dress uniform, and turned to the announcer. A young female, in formal administration
uniform. More gray, less showy, but it exuded ... what? He never could figure it out. Mandarin officiousness? Made her look older.
There are more confusing examples, but I only noted the presence of such. I didn't mark references
Also, much of the "internal dialog" appeared sufficient to the specific character's needs and understanding (which also meant the writer's), but
left the reader wondering "what the hell does that mean" until statements or actions down-story informed the reader what was meant.
On the whole, I liked it.
I found your attributions to world population personalities "entertaining"
The character Natasha seemed to have a background similar to the "Tasha Yar" Character on ST:Next Gen even though Canon Aki
is, in the OTU, the Main Imperial Administrative Center for District 268 affairs under a "Duke General" who reports to the Duchess of Glisten
the world is also home to the "Prime rimward base" for Baraccai Technum and also has one of the Blisten Yards ship yards.
So, hardly the sort of place one might to see the streets run by gangs.
But, that's a personal note
I have read your work.
Ignoring all the Traveller universe stuff and focusing on the writing itself.
I find it "Choppy"
I was often uncertain who was saying something or what a comment referenced?
Not as often, but where the above happened, and where there was a subtext meaning, that was lost until the passage was re-read several times.
For example:
"Field Scout Adam Warren." (At first, this suggested someone was introducing themselves)
His eyes jerked open, he had been about to fall asleep. (This modifier made it obvious he was dozing and the statement was from another)
Relaxed, must be a good sign. (Did he think this or speak it? Or, did the observer waking him think this? Either is valid )
(Later reading reinforced the expectation that Warren thought this, as it matches the internal monologue continued through the work)
He rose, unconsciously straightening his formal field dress uniform, and turned to the announcer. A young female, in formal administration
uniform. More gray, less showy, but it exuded ... what? He never could figure it out. Mandarin officiousness? Made her look older.
There are more confusing examples, but I only noted the presence of such. I didn't mark references
Also, much of the "internal dialog" appeared sufficient to the specific character's needs and understanding (which also meant the writer's), but
left the reader wondering "what the hell does that mean" until statements or actions down-story informed the reader what was meant.
On the whole, I liked it.
I found your attributions to world population personalities "entertaining"
The character Natasha seemed to have a background similar to the "Tasha Yar" Character on ST:Next Gen even though Canon Aki
is, in the OTU, the Main Imperial Administrative Center for District 268 affairs under a "Duke General" who reports to the Duchess of Glisten
the world is also home to the "Prime rimward base" for Baraccai Technum and also has one of the Blisten Yards ship yards.
So, hardly the sort of place one might to see the streets run by gangs.
But, that's a personal note
