You Signed Up for This (Fanfic from Boughene PbP ATU)

[Kakistocrat]

any critical comments?

It’s good as it stands. (My only comments would be on trivial minutiae.)

 

[Grav_Moped]

It’s good as it stands. (My only comments would be on trivial minutiae.)

Thank you for the feedback!

 

[TamsinP]

Thank you for the feedback!

One small nitpick:

"Shattered glass is still raining down, I’ve dragged Olga under the table, and the restaurant’s other customers took cover too."

I'd suggest changing the last bit to "...and the restaurant's other customers have taken cover too."

Has the fact that they are in a restaurant been mentioned previously? If so, then there's maybe "...and the other diners have taken cover too."

 

[Grav_Moped]

Has the fact that they are in a restaurant been mentioned previously? If so, then there's maybe "...and the other diners have taken cover too."

No, this is straight-up in media res -- a couple of in-setting seconds after I executed on Raymond Chandler's advice* "When in doubt have a man come through a door with a gun in his hand." Pointing out that their fellow victims are also in a restaurant was part of establishing the setting.

And thank you for the feedback as well!

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*This was not really advice. It was just an observation on pulp fiction writing technique.